Why...

would they trust me to administer my own test?

I arrived on time for my 4pm COVID test. It was a drive up.She handed me a packet she put together and instructed me what to do. She said take the swab and “get all up in there. Both sides.” She illustrated for full understanding. Easy enough. I was elated that I wouldn’t be nose-daggered.


I take the swab and go buck nuts in my mouth. I fuckin brushed my teeth with it! I placed it in the test tube, back into the bag and into the drop box.


She had turned her back because obviously she had more pressing matters. I sat there and waited for her attention. She gave me a thumbs up BUT I wasn’t feeling confident. “So that’s it?” I acted out what I had just done. She goes “you put it in your ear?” Noooooooo Silly, I put it in my mouth, BOTH SIDES!


After a brief staring contest and a laughing fit, she put together another packet for me and said, “your nose.”